I didn’t expect that so many of my posts would be about saying goodbye to the world we had. But as we’re hit by new and not always pleasant things about our new environment, comparisons and frustration are the order of the day.
By writing this out here, I prefer to think that I’m not accepting. Not succumbing. I hope I’m rather getting familiar with this new adversity. I hope I’m getting ready to fight. No matter how broken I feel sometimes.
(Whiner. You’re not even in the front line.)
„Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.” (Of course the Interstellar soundtrack was playing at the time I wrote this.)
For example, I haven’t been properly aware of the distance between us in the family. Everyone used to be out and about, tending to our respective business, and we only coincided at home for a few hours each day (not counting the hours of sleep). Most of the time we had considerable physical distance between any two of us.
Now that we are home together all the time, our traits – the pleasant and the annoying alike – get amplified. The interaction is too much, especially for an introvert like me. And the annoying part hits hard – I know my annoying traits also hit hard. Someone said today that Hungarians only usually notice the annoying part, and ignore the pleasant. I don’t know how Hungarian this is but it’s definitely me. I keep reminding myself to acknowledge the nice things, but sometimes I still forget. And when I do, I find myself in a dark place – and then I’m not fun to be around (to say the least). For that, I am sorry. What gives me hope is that we also have a tradition of apologizing and making up (and making amends) in this family. For that, I’m thankful.
Another thing that’s gone is daydreaming. And I thought I depended on daydreaming to keep my sanity. I don’t know about you, but I guess some level of certainty is necessary to imagine a potential future. I don’t sense this certainty most of the time now.
Today, a lot of good things happened. We made each other feel loved. The proof is that I could write the above. It could only be written from a distance.